"The hair of the chin showed him to be a man."
St Clement of Alexandria (c.195, E), 2.271
Part the First: Why Men Should Have Fuzzy Faces, in which T goes from Mmmbop to Tsar Nicholas II
By N. Trandem, M.J.C.
"This, then, is the mark of the man, the beard. By this, he is seen to be a man. It is older than Eve. It is the token of the superior nature'.It is therefore unholy to desecrate the symbol of manhood, hairiness.'
St. Clement of Alexandria, 2.276
After.
Do I really need to add to that? Hairiness is an ancient tradition. This does not mean that we should simply let our hair grow wily-nily, nor should it become an obsession, but all in all, I think one could do worse than ending up in this competition.
Part the Second: The Novice's Long Road to Manful Whiskers, in which W goes from Justin Timberlake to Phileas Fogg
By N. Wansbutter, Esq.
Now that you've read the advice of the seasoned veteran, I can give some insight from the perspective of a handlebar neophyte. I recently took a month off of work when our second child (a daughter) was born, and decided that if there was ever a time to grow some facial hair, this was it.
Getting started with growing a handlebar moustache is really quite simple. Just stop shaving. The trick is, when to start using wax, how much to use, &c.? The articles I’d read said that one can start using wax once the whiskers grow past the top of your lips in order to “train” them to grow sideways, but timelines were never given. The best I can do is provide you with the timelines that worked for me
Two Weeks Without Shaving: The Adventure Begins
There really isn't much to tell about the first month or so of moustache growing. Looking at myself in the mirror waiting for the hairs to get long enough to start waxing was somewhat like watching grass grow. By about week five the hair was starting to get long enough that I thought I could try waxing it, although it was still sticking out straight from my face at this point and looking rather bushy.
By week six I was growing highly frustrated. I was now armed with two tubs of Colonel Ichabod Conk's Moustache Wax[i] but my moustache simply would not stay in place when I used it. It looked decent and fairly handlebar-ish for a few minutes then the ends started to droop and the middle stuck out. My particular hair type seemed to be playing a role in this, as it is quite stiff. The advice of my sage mentor (T) was, “It's going to be futzy for awhile, just hang in there!” (which was about as helpful to me as Yoda’s “You must unlearn what you have learned.”)
6 Weeks: so far so good ...
Col. Conk’s wax has a very nice fragrance (something between honey and cinnamon) but was not getting the job done. It did not harden or dry after application and just seemed to make my moustache greasy. So, I visited the Handlebar Club to see what they use. Their review of Pinaud “Clubman” Wax said that it “sets off quite firmly to hold the moustache in shape”, which sounded like just what I needed, so I ordered some.[ii]
By week nine, I was a hair's-breadth away from putting the thing out of its misery and adopting a more contemporary style. The “Clubman” wax had finally arrived, but didn’t work. In the candid yet loving words of my wife, my moustache "look[ed] awful" when I attempted to wax it, and looked voyageur or lumberjack-like when I did't. My reputation as a well-dressed, well-groomed gentleman at work was in tatters. But just thinking of the word "contempory" being used in the same sentence as myself steeled me to give it one last try.
I thought, perhaps, my hair was just too wiry for the waxes I'd tried, or if was still too short (although could chew on it). I gave the Clubman's one last try and ... success! I had forgotten that it was water soluble -- hence my initial failure, as I was trying to apply it to a still-wet moustache. I now had a nice distinguished, but more importantly, counterrevolutionary, [handlebar] moustache.
10 Weeks: My First Taste of Victory
Of course, the matter did not end there. I liked what I had at ten weeks, but there was still room for growth and tinkering. I've trimmed my beard several times (actually, my dear wife does the trimming and she is an excellent barber) but I've just let the moustache keep growing. Although I have shaved a little in from the edge of growth so that the moustache hair only starts at the edge of my mouth -- as such, if I were to reinlist in the Canadian army I'd be allowed to keep my moustache since it is "regulation" (a holdover from Canada's more civilized and British days, to be sure).
Four Months: A Tradified Manly Face
My hair is nearly black, but not quite. Another problem I had with Colonel Conk's was that the wax was quite visible. I therefore have been using Clubman's black wax which makes my moustache slightly darker, but the wax is then invisible. The downside is that removing the wax is messier (lots of black ink in the sink) and it dirties anything that touched the moustache. This can become especially troublesome when in the -40 weather that we've had a lot of this winter, ice can build up on the moustache while waiting for the bus and it then melts. This is unavoidable with a water-based wax like Clubman's, but exacerbated when melting stuff is black. I'm not sure how I'll do with sweating in the summer. I may try Brother's Love from Bavaria[iii] which the Handlebar Club says holds "extremely firm" (which I want) and is clear and water-based for a more natural look in the summer.
T is going for the Austrian look, I think, but I’ll stick with my more understated and manageable moustache, at least for now.
Posted on the Feast of St. Boniface, Martyr, a.D. MMVIII
[i] Available at http://www.col-conk.com/. Although their product ultimately did not work for me, the people there are very nice and rather than gouging me on shipping, pointed me to a Canadian retailer where I could get a better price. They also sell a variety of toiletries and razors. I particularly like their “Almond” scent and shall stick with “the colonel” for shaving soap and aftershave.
[ii] There does not appear to be a manufacturer's web site, but http://www.ballbeauty.com/ has the best price ($3.50 per tube) from the retailers I've investigated and, above all, the most reasonable shipping rates.
[iii] This is apparently sold at the Whisker Club's shop, but they are currently out of stock so I had to order direct from the manufacturer in Bavaria at http://www.togal.de/Fanshop/en/fanprodukte.htm. Their shipping to North America is a little steep at €13 but they are very friendly and accomodating. They initially wanted me to wire-transfer the money to them (they don't accept credit cards or PayPal) but when I told them that a wire-transfer from a Canadian bank is $30, they said I could just send a €20 bill in the mail or a personal cheque in Canadian funds at a very favourable exchange rate.
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